Using the Poignant Effect of Death

A few months ago, in fact a week before my 35th birthday, I was shocked to learn that a friend of mine, Anna Alexandrova, died suddenly of stomach cancer. We were born the same year; both intense fire dragons.

I used to work with Anna at a children's charity in Toronto. We started around the same time and bonded over yoga, fitness and health. She was a tireless Senior Policy Advisor who went on to be the National Foundation's Director at Soros Foundation Kazakhstan.

"In our memories Anna will always remain young,
energetic, generous and full of new ideas"
Soros Foundation Kazakhstan

I love what her last employer wrote, "we admire the strength of her spirit and dedication to the ideals of open society. Anna had an acute sense of justice, empathy and belief in our ability to change the world for the better. Her passion and incredible diligence always filled us with energy and enthusiasm."

When I found out she had died, it really shook me. And for some weird reason, deaths don't usually effect me too much. I hadn't communicated much with her, other than on Facebook. Maybe I am just getting older, and    now that I have more to lose, fear my own death.

Anna's death was on the heals of another tragic loss to the Toronto community of an inspirational yoga teacher, Jenna Morrison, 38, pregnant with her second child, who died accidentally while riding her bike on the streets of Toronto. I couldn't help feeling such compassion for Jenna's family, or for Jenna for that matter. I also couldn't help thinking that it could of been me. I biked those wild streets in Toronto daily. Even in the snow sometimes.

Jenna and her family

It just makes me so sad to loose such bright lights in this world - we need every single one. 

I know all too well the effort women like these go through to get to the sweet age of 35. All the years since so young putting effort in to making oneself beautiful, presentable, knowledgeable to the world. Then using  their energy to help others and make the world a better place.

It seems like these special ladies were just hitting their stride, and blam. Gone. Did they ever get a chance to really relax and reap the rewards?  Anna worked up until her last days. She probably thought she didn't do enough. But I know everyone else was proud of her and thought she did more than enough in her short life.

For the months following Anna's death, my thoughts kept turning back to her. I kept seeing Anna in my baby daughter's wide-set blue eyes and wide smile. 

As a mother, I couldn't help feeling compassion for Anna's mother for loosing her daughter. For her husband for loosing his partner.

I also couldn't help thinking about my own untimely death should I die soon. I remember nights of singing my son to sleep and seeing Anna clearly pop into my head. I thought it may be a sign I might get cancer and die soon. And it made me really appreciate the sweet moments I have with my kids. Though, made me deeply sad to think they would loose their mom so young, and I wouldn't be able to share so many other precious memories with them.

Lately, I spend less energy consumed by the thoughts of my possible untimely death. I don't want to feed that thought too much. I think it was just my way of processing, grieving, and acknowledging. I do try to stay aware of the reality of impermanence, and acknowledged daily that death can happen any moment.

Buddhist practicioners meditate on death to prepare one for the passage, and to lessen the affect of attachment to this world. They believe it is important to think about the reality of one's death everyday so as to appreciate one's life and to prepare for the event.

I am grateful for the renewed awareness of death. Death is a powerful force. It can bring communities together. It generates compassion from mere strangers.

Death can be used as a tool for self awakening, and as a means of connecting with others. We are all one. We never die.

Moving through Fear and Anxiety to Create a Peaceful Home

A few weeks before the arrival of my first-born we literally had next to nothing for our baby boy. I would like to say that I was at peace with the lack of  "stuff", or the oncoming baby, but honestly I wasn't.

Our  cozy one-bedroom cottage in the woods

The fear of the unknown, the fear of permanent change, the fear of the oncoming lack of freedom, the complete change in my living situation, all contributed to the deep inner anxiety and fear I felt. 

I wanted to be brave and adventurous. Earlier that year I let go of most of my worldly possessions, so I could be one of those spiritual renounciats that I so admired. You know, the ones who get on without attachment to material possession, and seemingly live moment to moment, even begging for their daily food. Heck, I even sat in awe of homeless people who survived without their stuff weighing them down.

I quit my desk job, happy to be free from sitting 35+ hours a week, got rid of my beloved apartment in Toronto and most of my worldly stuff. Then I moved to Costa Rica to teach yoga and live in nature with my then boyfriend.

Fast forward later in the year and the lack of stuff to set up a house and bring a baby into the world created a big enough fear and anxiety in me to fill my whole house over -- twice. So much for the freedom I had set out with earlier that year.

As a meditator and mindfulness practicioner, I would like to say I was able to "sit" through it mindfully. And maybe I did a little. But mostly I remember the acute feeling of anxiousness deep within my core. I will never forget what anxiousness feels to me.

The worst part (but probably the healthiest) was there wasn't anywhere to escape from the anxiety and fear. Now living in the US I couldn't work. I didn't have any friends. We didn't have a computer yet. Or a couch. Or a second car. There I was, alone in the woods, husband off working, facing my anxiety and fear front on while the baby grew inside of my belly.

I couldn't even read any of the spiritual books that I had to lug with me to Central America and back. With the half of mind I had left while pregnant, I was so unsettled that I couldn't even focus on anything requiring much thought.

I remember "sitting with the anxiety" (and the sickness and feeling not much like myself) a lot. I remember the only thing that calmed me in those days was to sing from deep within my heart to my unborn child. Singing was the only thing that kept us both at peace. (That and walking in the woods. But walking in Tennessee in the humid summer and hot early fall while pregnant wasn't fun either).

The anxiety I felt at being a mother for the first time translated to the need to accumulate stuff. 

At that point, I may of not felt in control of my destiny, but darn it, I certainly had control over the physical accumulation of  baby stuff! The more the better in my mind. If I had the "right baby stuff" it would assure that I was at least doing something right.

Lots of colors on our play mat.
Did I mention, we had two!

Never mind the anxiety that we didn't have a lot of money at the time to spend on our child like, what seemed like, the rest of North America did. I didn't want people to see us a poor!

For example, everyone seemed to have an exersaucer for their baby, and by golly I didn't want to be an unfit mother! I didn't want people to think that we couldn't provide for our son, so I stocked Freecycle until I got my hands on one.

Guess what? The thing was HUGE and hideous! So many colors and took up so much space in our little home. AND, my son....hated it! Every time we tried to put him in it, he would cry after about a minute. Looking back, it was more stimulation to an already overstimulating environment. No wonder he just wanted to be held and talked to. Never mind all the crazy colorful toys he didn't want to play with.

That is when it hit me. My mindset about baby stuff was just completely wrong. Sure, I knew it on some level, but it took a "waking up". We had managed to accumulate a very descent amount of baby stuff, consciously or by being privy to a lot of second-hand stuff or gifts. In our small space, it was just.so.dizzying! Not to mention the unsettling amount of bright colors and plastic.

Can't believe I am sharing this. Attempting yoga dodging
my first-born and baby stuff.

Fast forward to the birth of my second child three years later. I was a totally different mother. This time I had long accepted and grown to love my life as a mother, and learned to use motherhood as a way to shine the light on my own dark patches and use it as a tool for my self-development. Not only this, but being a mother has opened many doors for me to connect and help other parents.

With my second child, I mindfully set up our new two bedroom  home to create a place of deep calm, where creativity and spirit could burst forth. I learned my lesson.

I try to be mindful of the amount of toys and clutter in my house. I seek not to overwhelm my children (or myself) with too much visual stimulus. It was a conscious decision to have as much as my house brown and beige, with only the truly special stuff glowing with color. You know, the painted watercolors on the fridge, or the rainbow of silk play scarfs, the string banner on our otherwise bare wall that rotates our holiday or craft creations.

Our play corner now: simple, earthy, organized.
Color catching mystical silk painting on the wall.

For us, it creates a calm and warm place in which imagination can burst out.

It took me a couple years with kids to figure out this balance though. I wish I knew it sooner.

Kid-Free Recharge Recipe

I returned home with a shining heart and spirit today after a rare kid-free morning. When I got back, my kids seemed absolutely adorable, my husband irresistible, and I didn't even care the house was a mess.

I don't always feel this way after some alone time. A lot of the time I feel completely overwhelmed by all the stuff I could get done. Easily, I get locked in the mind-set that kid-free time is my one little window to run all those errands without carting two kids around, or attend to all those cleaning and organizing projects I have been putting off.

Today was different. I knew I needed to recharge or I would be a cesspool of irritability and distraction all weekend.

It's funny. Now that I am a mother, what I need to recharge and nourish my spirit is much different then what I needed as single city working gal. Then, it was active yoga to balance my sedentary job, and deep meditation to balance my overworked mind. And maybe a little social time out on the town.

Today, it was:

• Teaching a prenatal yoga class to 12 very grateful moms;
• Loosing myself one-pointedly, blissfully, and indulgently in eating as much Indian buffet food as I could possibly manage - alone without any distraction;
• Walking around downtown on a beautiful sunny day taking in the world.

Maybe it isn't that different. But it feels so different. Being a mom has opened me up to the benefits and rewards of serving and helping others. I do that now as a mom, but it is a nice escape to connect to other mothers or adults when I teach.

Connecting to others in a positive way leaves me jazzed up on shakti.

I know I need to do yoga too, but these days, it rarely leaves me feeling completely nourished. I am a point in my practice that I am digging a lot of stuff up, and dealing with battling my ego. Facing my true self full force is not always pretty. After struggling with the endless demands of motherhood, battling myself on the mat adds to the insult.

But teaching, ahh, that is a sweet piece of cake. Speaking of eating...

Only a mom with young kids could fully appreciate the sweet bliss of indulging one-pointedly in a bottomless assortment of divine food.

At home, I am usually the last to sit down and when I do, I am conscious of creating good family connection time by talking, for better or worse. So I rarely taste a bite of my food. I love food. I rarely feel nourished and full after eating, and it is no wonder why.

So it would appear that my recipe for bliss in my kid-free time is:

EAT, TEACH, WALK outside.

What is your recipe? Take a moment to think about it. Key thing to remember here is to: KEEP IT SIMPLE. Do less, be more.

Once you have an idea, take time to try it out. Feel free to experiment, or change it up.

Add in a pinch of creativity, a dash of love-making, or a hint of spontaneous skinny dipping in the ocean.

Whatever will bring you back deeply smiling from the inside.

Photo and great article on Eight Ways to Recharge Your Spirit, here. 

Singing Mantras to Kids: Gayatri Part 2

My four-year-old son surprised me today by singing the full gayatri mantra while playing around on the toy piano. I didn't realize he picked up the whole mantra - nevermind with decent pronunciation and rhythm.

What really blew me away was the sweetness and light that seem to pour out of him. 

It made me tear up a bit. I managed to record him singing it immediately after, albeit a little shyly, but listen as he gets silly with it in the last round, letting his spirit shine. (I *love* his silly voice). Excuse my head-cold attempt of singing it back to him kirtan style in the middle.

Children and the ease at which their light shines just simply amazes me. A lot of the times it takes nothing at all to let their natural light shine out. Put on some music, let them dance. Give them the materials to create and unique artworks are manifested direct from their spirit. Or just ignore them a little, let them get into their zone and there you got it, children running around sparkling everywhere dazzling up your home!

Other times, I believe, that they might like a little challenge, or need a little bit of learning to give them the tools so they can run with it, lifting them up to a new level of experimentation in which to shine their light.

For children as young as my son, I wouldn't recommend pushing anything on them. Let them learn what they want to learn. Figure out what they are interested in and try to engage them in a way that they can learn - make if fun or maybe they need it to seem sophisticated and grown up. Whatever works. Try giving them a few tools.

I have to say, I love that my son wanted to learn this song on his own accord. That is what makes it so sweet. It manifested from within, and so it radiates back out.

And if you think we are a very serious family over here, let me tell you we surely are not. As much as we embrace spiritual authenticity and try to teach our kids as much as they want to learn about the spiritual paths we are on, we are equally and directly oppositely as silly, free and fun.

For example, immediately after recording this Gayatri mantra sequence, our next track was called, "Monstertrucks and Popcorn." Don't think we'll release that one any time soon!

Further Reading
Singing Mantras to Kids - Gayatri Part 1: read about my discoveries two weeks ago after I started singing the Gayatri Mantra to my son before bed. Includes more about the Gayatri mantra.